Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jay's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
1:53 am	Eh. Too many people out there just believe what is spoon fed to them. Okay. Eat this. www.moorelies.com www.bowlingfortruth.com www.mooreexposed.com www.celsius4111.com www.moorewatch.com Don't get me wrong. I don't care for Bush much. I hate how big the federal governmet has gotten. I really fucking hate it. All you Socialist-types out there can eat a big one. Night night. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
3:06 pm	Some days are like this. Some aren't Keep on truckin'. And hey there camper, why don't you go ahead and buck up. That's it, buck up little camper. Now don't we feel better? Of course we do. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
3:21 am	I'm really disappointed with myself. And for once, it has little to do with school. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
2:31 am	So very defeated. Fuck programming, fuck computer science, fuck ucsc, fuck santa cruz. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
9:15 pm	A couple days ago, a bum that lives along side of the railroad tracks wished me happy holidays. What a moron. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
2:56 am	In the words of Lincoln, "If I had another face, do you think I'd wear this one?" Sorry for being me. I'll try to stop. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
10:18 pm	I've mananged to keep my amazing streak of disappointing people How do I do it? No wonder things like that happen... (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
3:25 am	I hate being poor white trash Coming from poor white trash Living like poor white trash Traped in poor white trash (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
9:20 pm	I've never felt so alone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
9:43 pm	I'm just all kinds of sad. :-( (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 1st, 2004
11:45 am	as election day nears... (Comment on this)
Friday, October 15th, 2004
12:46 pm	Crushed. In every sense of the word. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
12:50 am	I can't do this. God help me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
4:13 am	Disappointed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
3:30 am	Stuff on my mind - part 2 So, where was I? Seriously, I can't see my other post from this screen. Well, I'm pretty sure I had just mentioned how important Camille is to me. I don't think I realized just how important she was until she left for Australia. I thought I knew, but I didn't really know. It leaves me with a pretty awesome feeling, because no one has ever meant so much to me. It is also new territory, because I find myself more willing than ever to put someone before everything else. I've let school run my life for too long. Fuck school, as long as a get my degree(which I know I will) then I'm happy. People are more important than school. As far as my career goes, if I can make enough money to be comfortable, then I'm happy. I refuse to put work over loved ones. It's just not worth it. I want to be able to have time with Camille. I don't just want her there, I want to be there with her. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her before she left. If we hadn't lived together, I would have only seen her like once a week it seems. No more of that. No good. I know I'm going to mess things up sometimes, little things. Sometimes she will need me to say just the right thing, and I will say "What's on TV?" But sometimes I'll tell her things she won't even know she needed to hear until she heard it. Sometimes we will fight over really stupid things, and then laugh about it the next day. Sometimes we will fight for real, the serious kind. Not often, but it will happen. We will work it out, I have every bit of confidence in that. There will be times that I think I am doing the absolute best thing, and I'm actually fucking up. There will be times when I don't think I'm doing anything at all, and it turns out I am doing the absolute best thing. I know she knows my heart is always in the right place; I would never do something to knowingly hurt her. It kills me to see her in pain. I pretty much want to kill every person that has caused her a lot of pain in her life. Someone who cares so much for other people shouldn't have to put up with dumb people. Camille is an amazing person. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but now that I have her, I don't ever want to let her go. Overall, I guess I'm just having one of those college moments. Wondering what life is all about. Wondering why it is worth it. I only know 3 things for sure: I love my family, I love my friends, and I love Camille. They are worth it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
5:37 am	Stuff that has been on my mind Life is so much harder and confusing than I thought it would be. I remember being 10 or so, and picturing what it would be like to be 21. How great it would be. How I would eat oreos for dinner, stay up as late as I want, watch whatever I want on TV, ect. Well, actually, I do those things, but that's not the point. There is just so much to life that I didn't see coming. Listen to me, writing as if I know so much. AS if I'm 90 and about to kick the bucket. I'm going to look back on this time in my life when I am 40 and think "Man, you thought college life was hard!?!?!?!" Although that probably has something to do with the fact that things always seem easier in retrospect. Doesn't high school seem really really easy in retrospect? Probably isn't as easy as we all remember it to be. Anyway, I guess I just have been searching for answers that aren't there. I want someone to tell me why this is worth it. Why all the hard parts of life are worth dealing with. I found myself asking a lot of people this question several months ago, I never really got a real answer. I think most people didn't know. A couple of them said that the good parts in life are worth all the bad. I like that philosphy. But what happens when the bad starts to dominate the good? Do you wait it out? How long do you wait? Forever? No one ever answered that follow up question. I don't blame them, I don't think it is a question that can be answered. For me personally, I rely on other people for me to be happy. I need them. I need my friends, I need my family. This seemed like a decent approach, but the years of backfire have me thinking twice. It seems like everytime I talk to Justin, he mentions how it's bad to rely on other people to be happy and how we shouldn't get emotionally attached to others. Well damn for me, cause I have a pretty strong emotional attachemnt to almost all my friends from freshmen year of college that are still around. Maybe he is right though. Maybe I'm setting myself up for major hurt. Mike and Cyrus are probably my best friends, but they weren't there for me when I needed them. Cyrus was there physically, but he didn't help me much at all. His heart was in the right place, and for that I will be forever grateful. But when I needed help, when I was feeling like the world was against me, he just threw alcohol at me like it was a magic drug. It's no magic drug. It made things worse. It made me want to die for the first time in a long time. Damn you for doing that to me. Mike offered his help, when he was around. He was never around. I saw Mike outside of class maybe once every couple of weeks. I'm not sure what my point is, as I have only proven myself to be a needy person. But I think we are all needy in our own ways. I don't want people to get the wrong idea. I wasn't majorly fucked up or anything, nor am I now. Overall, day by day, I was okay. Stressed, but okay. But I defiently had more issues then I would consider normal for myself during the span of a couple months. And when those arouse, my 2 closest friends didn't help. It bothers me..should it? This brings me to Camille. Even while in another country she helped more than my friends could(would?). She has made such an impact on my life, it makes me sad to think of dealing with life without her. Well, sad is an understatement. It's more of an actual physical pain in my little tummy region....you know what? It's really late. This camper has class at 10am, so I should try and get some sleep. I will add the Camille portion of this tomorrow.....I hope this whole thing makes sense, I know I'm just kind of rambaling..let me know if it was readable. Stay tuned for more... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
5:32 am	dumb Yarg, I'm totally in a mood to write and write and write, but I have no time for it right now. I got all this stupid school shit to take care of, and it's taking forever and...okay, stop. I gotta go to bed, I really do need the sleep. I'll make a long ass entry as soon as I get some free time. Probably tomorrow night or something...anyway, I know, you probably don't care, but there it is. Long entry, soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
4:16 am	This made me laugh... Check the chick out....wtf???  All that spyware I have is paying off, w00t for pop ups. Oh, and is it just me, or does the "before" guy look like Billy Corgan... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
3:49 am	I've got lots of homework to do, but I'm not doing it. And I don't care. I like this feeling. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
6:05 am	I can't sleep. My mind is buzzing. I hate that. When I lay awake at night, I replay bad memories in my head. Relive them. Why is it that all the bad memories are so easy to relive, and the good memories are so easy to forget? I think I've just had too much thinking time this past week or so. I'm fine though. Just fighting old insecurities. We all have them; we all hate them. Now it's my turn to fight them off. You can help (1 Comment |Comment on this)